Gratia Dei | God's Grace

“Although I am less than the least of all the Lord's people, this grace was given me… which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things.” - Ephesians 3:8-9

 

Growing up in a Taoist/Buddhist tradition, I was a sickly child, and in order to shield me from illnesses, my mom had brought me to a Chinese temple, to be dedicated as a godchild to one of the temple gods. I was indeed protected from harm and did exceedingly well in my Primary School Leaving Examinations (PSLE) to qualify for Dunman High School (DHS). As per temple traditions, I was brought to the temple to release my vows to this unknown god when I was 12 years old.

High school was a huge struggle as I experienced what is now known as Dysthymia (undiagnosed), and my parents, being busy with their small fish mongering stall, were clueless about the "demons" that I was battling in my young mind. I dreaded school, had zero friends and was perpetually late to the point that I was hauled into the Discipline Master's room more than once as he lectured me on Confucian principles while I zoned out and stared blankly. I felt utterly alone and spent many lonely recesses in a secluded corner of the school, contemplating if I should jump from the 4th level, as I witnessed the chatter and the laughter of the other kids on the basketball courts below.

My grades suffered as I turned from a student who scored As easily in primary school into a troubled teenager who failed from Sec 1 to Sec 3, and was almost expelled by the principal who wanted to protect the reputation of Dunman High as an elite school with academic excellence. My mom begged him through tears on bended knees and I was given the ultimatum to pass my final year in high school or get booted out before the 'O' Levels.

Thanks be to God, I managed to buck up in the final 12 months of high school and scraped through with a passing grade, and passed my 'O' Levels to qualify for a local junior college. Even though I was still a pre-believer, it was God's Grace which enabled me to pass my 'A' Levels, and qualify for the local university too. Truly, God's Grace had started working in my life even though I was a very broken human with low self-esteem and deep-set loathing of myself. It took me another 20 odd years of rebelling against God, and living a fast life as a successful young sales manager, a habitual smoker, and an almost weekly clubbing ritual with friends. Back then I was pursuing what many young people today would call YOLO (You Only Live Once) values, but deep inside I was still broken and deeply angry with my own parents and angry towards myself, while wearing an outwardly happy smile and outgoing personality.

My worldly treasures crashed in 2005, after suffering an acute right-brain stroke. It was God's Grace that brought me to my knees to recognize that everything that I had been chasing up to my early 30s was merely  "Chasing after the wind" – as King Solomon had wisely pointed out. As a result of the stroke, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and 2 years later I hit rock bottom again when my marriage fell apart and I lost my job in the same year.

However, God's Grace kept me going even though I railed at God and raised an angry fist to Heaven for the unfairness of everything that was crashing or falling apart around me, including my sanity. Like the father in the familiar Parable of the Prodigal Son, God the Father had always kept His Arms open to receive me and kept looking into the distance with loving eyes to see if I would run back to Him. Eventually, I did come back into His Arms through the loving community in the Church of St. Vincent de Paul, and the Christian Peers Support Community in PSALT Care.

Today, I want to echo what St. Paul wrote to the young church in Ephesus, "Although I am less than the least of all the Lord's people, this grace was given me… which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things."

I will close my reflections with this timeless hymn of God's Grace, penned by a former slave trader, who was touched by the Holy Spirit to immortalize these beautiful reminders of His Amazing Grace.

 

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch; like me!

I once was lost, but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

 

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed!

 

The Lord hath promised good to me,

His word my hope secures;

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures.

 

When we've been there ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the sun,

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we first begun.

 

 

Reflection on Ephesians 3:1-13 by Chris Tan